I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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