Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
