i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize