dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
