This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I did not marry a roomba.
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