whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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