Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
