I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
