he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Randomize
