the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
