My girlfriend figured out who you are.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
