She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
