just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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