You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
