Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
