My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
