It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize