oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
