Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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