This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
