You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
