You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
be right there i have to get my cape
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
