If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
