Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
