Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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