I met the friendliest cop last night
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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