The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
