if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
