How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
