Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
