Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
