I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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