The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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