Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
