my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
