I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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