atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
