He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I love you. Go after that dick
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
