It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
