no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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