mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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