So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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