I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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