Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
