How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
