i don't plan on having that self control this summer
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
