I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
