so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
