Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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