I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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