Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
