After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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