If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
