I am in a vortex of obligation.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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