Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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