My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize