This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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