I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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