Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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