Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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