70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Couch. On fire.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
