Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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